In which Dustfinger and Mortola get it on
by Till-Owlyglass
Summary: Well here it is! I only threatened to write this but my dear friends CRAZYPINKGIRL convinced me to do so. Well what was I supposed to do when they told me they'd be tortured if I didn't! It's just a joke by the way, even if it does give you nightmares!


**Yeah, I know, it's really sickening to imagine but here it is! I'd like to make it clear that this was written as a joke and that I myself in no way support this pairing! I'd like to dedicate this sick little fic to CRAZYPINKGIRL, thanks for persuading me to write this and I really hope that it saved you guys from being tortured by terrible singing! **

* * *

It was a rather normal afternoon in Capricorn's village of the damned; the Black Jackets were shooting at cats and perving on the maids and just generally setting fire to shit, and Dustfinger was lurking in a corner of the kitchen, brooding and angsting for home and Roxane as he usually spent his free time when he wasn't playing with fire.

"Oh, Resa," he said mournfully for what felt like the hundredth time in five minutes, "I wish there was some way that I could get back to my darling, my snookums and pookums, my singing and dancing angel, my beautiful Roxane!" and with that he flung one arm over his eyes, melodramatic sobs shaking his body.

Resa, who was on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor, rolled her eyes. She would have loved to have told Dustfinger exactly what she thought of him and his wife but, being mute, she couldn't (much to her frustration). The fact that Dustfinger was married back in Inkworld had come as quite a shock to Resa, especially considering that he had broken the news to her after sleeping with her one booze-filled night.

"_Man-ho!" _Resa thought to herself. His constant whingeing over Roxane was beginning to piss off Basta who'd no doubt launch into another one of his rants _("Dustfinger thinks he's got it bad? Roxane turned down all of my proposals despite the fact I offered her loads of random crap. And the fire-eater had better stop rubbing that in my face!") _and then get drunk and put another snake in the maids' room.

Suddenly they heard Mortola's unsteady gait on the kitchen stairs and Dustfinger ducked into the pantry to hide. And not a moment too soon, for Mortola limped into the kitchen a second later. It was of course no secret that Mortola hated Resa.

"YOUBITCHTRAMPSLUTWHORE!" the woman spat, "Haven't you finished scrubbing that floor? Never mind! Go and be mute in your muteness somewhere else! I don't care where as long as you're out of my sight!" Resa scowled at the beastly old woman before making her way out of the kitchen, she was just about to ascend the stairs when she heard something in the kitchen behind her.

"Hey baby, I thought you were planning on keeping me waiting forever!"

Resa froze mid-step and slowly turned around to stare at the now closed kitchen door. The voice had been unmistakeably Dustfinger's, but who on earth could he have been talking to? There was no one else in the kitchen except Mortola! Next Resa heard a girlish giggle.

"_Oh my God!" _Resa thought, _"What are they doing in there?"_ Alarmingly, Resa found herself unable to move, she was frozen in shock staring at the door with wide, terrified eyes. This was how Capricorn found her when he pounded down the stairs followed by Basta, Cockerell and Flatnose.

"Where is Dustfinger?" he demanded, "Friday is juggle night and they can't find him anywhere. What are you staring at?" Resa looked up at him then slowly raised her arm and pointed at the kitchen door. Capricorn was in the middle of asking her what was going on when he was cut short by another giggle from the kitchen. The four men listened silently at the door with worried expressions.

Finally, Basta pulled out his trusty knife and went ahead to open the door a crack and peep in. Upon seeing that the kitchen was empty, he opened the door wider and wandered in, followed by the other men and Resa who trailed behind uncertainly. The laughter seemed to be coming from the pantry. The five shared another uncertain glance then Capricorn was across the room in two strides, flinging open the pantry door.

What they saw there horrified them more than any of them had ever been in their entire lives.

"HOLY SHIT!" Capricorn yelled, stumbling backwards a few steps. Basta, ever faithful to his master, copied him, stumbling backwards until he was stopped by the island of countertops in the middle of the kitchen, grabbing the lucky pouch he wore around his neck and beginning to pray against evil spirits. Cockerell ran to the kitchen sink and began retching over it and Flatnose immediately descended into tears.

Inside the pantry stood Dustfinger and Mortola, engaged in what could only be described as snogging. Resa felt faint as she watched the sandy-haired fire-eater and the hunched old woman pull apart, their tongues returning to their respective mouths.

"Mother, what are you doing?" Capricorn cried with a shaking voice.

"Mother?" Basta questioned, turning to look at Capricorn who waved the question away.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm spending some time with my man!" Mortola said, sticking her chin out defiantly.

"But…you…you and…the fire-eater?" Capricorn stammered, "It's just too wrong for words!"

"Now Jeremiah, don't be such a child!" Mortola said, putting her hands on her hips and squaring herself up for an argument.

"_**Your **_real name is…_**Jeremiah**_?" Basta exclaimed, turning again to look at Capricorn who once again waved away the question, looking irritated. Resa had to admit that she didn't blame Capricorn for changing his name, Jeremiah was a pretty crappy name.

"_What parent actually calls their kid Jeremiah? Seriously, it's ridiculous!" _she thought to herself.

"You didn't really expect me to stay single for the rest of my life did you?" Mortola continued, "I'm no nun! Now that your father is dead I need a strong young man who can keep up with me! I'll have you know I'm quite energetic when I get started!"

"STOP!" Capricorn (or Jeremiah) screamed, jumping backwards and covering his ears with hands.

"Please Mortola, please never say anything like that again!" Cockerell moaned from the corner before coughing up more bile into the sink. By now Flatnose was sobbing so hard that his entire body shook.

"Oh grow up all of you! You're acting like little boys!" Mortola snapped, "I suppose I might as well tell you now considering you know about us now; Dustfinger and I intend to be married!"

"WHAT?" Capricorn, Basta, Flatnose and Cockerell shouted (though Cockerell more or less retched it as he was suddenly overcome with a fresh wave of nausea after hearing what Mortola said).

"But he's younger than me!" Capricorn gasped, staring hard at Dustfinger, "How can he be my step-father if he's _**younger **_than me!"

"It's doesn't matter how old he is! We're getting married and that's that!" Mortola cried.

"Yeah…about that…" Dustfinger drawled nervously, "You see the thing is, Mortola baby, I'm still married to Roxane. And I still love her. What we had was never intended to be anything more than just a brief fling."

"Oh, here we go again!" Basta muttered, pouting at the fact that Roxane had been brought up in conversation around him again. Resa did feel inclined to agree with him, she was getting sick of all conversations turning to some beautiful minstrel woman whom she had never met; this ho seemed to be more trouble than she was worth.

Mortola turned her sharp, birdlike eyes onto Dustfinger who recoiled at her gaze. Resa watched as her face gradually turned red with rage.

"You mean to tell me that you never intended on marrying me? That I was just a quick fix to you?" her voice was dangerously soft. Dustfinger hesitated before nodding slightly. Mortola then let out a shout of pure rage and lunged at an unsuspecting Basta who, with a terrified scream, dropped his knife and threw himself backwards onto the countertops behind him, skidded across them and landed heavily with a hard thump on the floor on the other side. But it was his knife which Mortola had been after, she scrambled across the floor to get it then stood triumphantly, waving it in Dustfinger's face.

"YOUBASTARDASSHOLECAD!" she screeched, "I'll get you back for what you've done to me!" Dustfinger took one look at the knife in front of his nose and bolted for the door.

The Black Jackets patrolling the streets outside were confronted by a strange sight: Dustfinger running desperately through the village, his face white with fear, and Mortola in hot pursuit, brandishing Basta's beloved knife and screaming insults directed at the fire-eater at the top of her lungs.

After these shocking and thoroughly disturbing events Capricorn went and sat in his throne-like armchair in the church. Though clearly still shaken, he did a good job of maintaining his usual indifferent expression and ordered that no one was to speak of this day or anything which occurred during it ever again. Basta went home and got more drunk than he had ever been in his life, presumably to forget what he had seen though, thankfully, this time he didn't try to slip any snakes in the maids' rooms. Cockerell's nausea passed and he joined Basta in getting drunk, and then got sick again after that. Flatnose had to spend several weeks in counselling which surprisingly Capricorn happily paid for, Resa wondered if it was to keep Flatnose quiet after what had happened. Or perhaps he just didn't want Flatnose to remain a gibbering idiot for the rest of his life when of course, to look a the size of Flatnose, he was obviously better suited for acting as Capricorn's trained thug. Mortola returned to her usual self quickly, though she seemed to go out of her way to treat Resa worse (if that was actually possible) as though she was punishing her for knowing her dirty little secret. Dustfinger wisely kept clear of the village for a few months and when he did finally pluck up the courage to return once everything had simmered down, Resa took great delight in mouthing _"Man-ho!" _at him by way of greeting.


End file.
